left-handed wanders

I had a long day at work. Because I tried to do something other than work till 6pm, it’s a very tiring task. I routinely left the office after 9 hours.  Then walked the familiar way out.

To think of it, it has only been almost, what, half a year? since I graduated. But what the hell is wrong with me. I can’t seem to escape this sinking feeling. I feel good some days then it comes back much unwelcome. Does anyone ever get over college withdrawal (if there’s such a thing?).

I decided to drink at Flore’s. Just to have some resemblance that "I" had a choice. It wasn’t surprising that JP was there. He was sitting in his usual spot at a corner of the dimly lit place. I enjoy his works a lot some of them changed my life. One time,   he heard me say, "I want to be a writer." To which he replied, "A writer?" then suddenly,"to write involves a refusal to live!" He looked at me then continued to read some papers–I didn’t bother to reply–"You senile fuck." was all I could think of. I got annoyed at him for awhile after that. So now, I tried to acknowledge his presence out of respect, I guess–he gave me a grunt.

I sat at the bar, which was a bit crowded, and popped peanuts in my mouth. The place still looked hazy despite the lack of smokers that night. The bartender asked me what I wanted. "Orange juice?" I asked–he shook his head, "Soda water then."
As I waited I looked around the bar, the one seating to my left was smoking a cigarette. I recognized him immediately as an old acquaintance, Albert. It was all small talk at first then our conversation shifted to matters pressing "me". I don’t know he didn’t seem in a hurry at the time, and surprisingly he seemed eager to hear about my juvenile angst. I told him that I really felt that I’m an artist. That sometimes I felt that I want to withdraw from everything and just live alone. He laughed after that. I don’t know I found it funny too when I said it–it all sounded "sad". He asked if I was sure I wasn’t romanticizing ("I don’t know."). I told him I’m all "The Death of the Bachelor" referring to JP’s work. He frowned after this then said, "You sound very certain." I gulped my drink and replied, "At least my cat is happy."

I just saw the new Asian Kung-Fu Generation Music Video. They’re still awesome! May pera nakong pambili wuhuuuu!

…I suppose.

I’m so relieved that my website updating task is over. And I must say that I am a bit glad that I was able to do it. Though it was just a beginner’s kind of an achievement it involved a lot of hard work! My boss and I toiled for two days figuring out the HTML tags and shit. And Alas! the site is now updated. pheew.

Having an office closer to home doesn’t mean I have a higher chance of not being late.  You just can’t help it, I guess. Every time you open your eyes in the morning, you keep telling yourself, "I can get there in 15mins." (yes, bath and toothbrush time included). So I tried to beat the clock today and as a result I got in a little early despite of this sleep inducing weather. I worked over time for the first time in my second job last night too. Guess what, it wasn’t so bad. I just have to keep my overtime-space in a controlled environment: one or more living persons in the room (throughout the duration of my stay); constant sound streaming besides the air conditioner; and try to accomplish work without glancing at the window.

Another thing.

I’ve managed to oversleep for the past two weeks already. Can’t believe that its the same with–wait what’s the opposite of oversleep–undersleep? anyways voila! So i feel a little weird every morning, I yawn constantly and I want to go home.

Another Nother thing.

I watched Saksi last night and saw that my former classmate is now a news reporter–he does the night shift though so all the accidents, murders, brawls in Metro Manila are the ones he covers. despite that, good for him. How about me then? Since I ditched the hideously great executive creative director as a career goal what  now? actually i think I know the answer but I’ll post it some other time–when i feel like it. 

***

I miss watching Conan O’Brien.

I’ve decided to be a bit more sociable at the office, you know, try to
get to know the peeps around. So, at lunch time, instead of taking my
lunch 30mins earlier (i dont like awkwardness) than everybody else I
willingly asked permission–yes there is such a thing– to join a
couple of officemates at their table for lunch. As i ate my lunch of
rice and adobo i tried asking questions, small talk stuff. I can’t
remember how the conversation shifted to ghost stories.

***
I
like ghost stories even if theres a tendency to doubt them. i take
these stories with a negative implication like an addiction. once you
tell me a ghost story, i can’t forget it easily. So for example when
you tell me about a ghost story that happened in a bathroom, for an
unspecified time, each instance i go inside a bathroom my mind will
immediately recall that specific story, replaying it for my unfortunate
benefit. and as emasculating as it sounds, i get scared.
***

i
was told beforehand that my office bldg is haunted. but it was ok, i
mean it seems every freakin place is haunted nowadays. in this
particular situation, the story caught me off guard. coz the ghost
haunting my "part" (yes, theres more than one) of the building was a
murdered employee. great!

when i heard the prologue, i knew it would be a mistake to let myself hear the whole thing–regrets, regrets.

it’s
not comforting to know that my office isnt that safe. i mean a man got
murdered inside a school campus building, in ateneo? (hmmm but a
student got shot in UP in broad day light. that didnt stop me from
studying there, oh well) so to finish the story–apparently the man was
a manager who got a fight with his driver. the driver, enraged went
back for the manager and stabbed him. the manager managed to crawl his
way down the stairs before dying at the ground floor. thus, he now
haunts the place.
he is said to whisper or whistle at people or worst, show himself and just stare at you.

the stair i use to get to my office space is the actual stair in the story. i’ll never see it the same way again.

it
isnt also comforting that the number of priests in my building isnt
enough to ward them off. but the people say here the ghosts are mostly
harmless so i’ll have to console myself with that.

then the
conversation drifted to other supposed ghost stories in the place (by
the way a ‘creature’ houses itself in the bldg too).

why am i scared. i dont know. its the unknown. we’re all supposed to be scared right?
its a defense mechanism, your body is supposed to react to preserve itself.

***
after i heard the story, i shared it to my friend in IM.

she told me that i shouldn’t get scared. no ghost will show itself to me.

***

what does that supposed to mean?

So after leaving the Makati business district, i’ve found work that is closer to my house. It is a bit of a downgrade from my previous art directing stint but heyy, at least i still earn something. the office is kinda great actually, the internet has barely no filtering scruples and i barely work over time (though that is still to be determined).
in terms of plans though i dunno. i plan to go back to school again or try go abroad or try to exist while thinking of what to do next. ahhh everythings in a puddle i just want to stomp.

right now i seat in front of the monitor, behind it is a window with a view. its not a landscape really just a wall of leaves, swaying, rustling, whatever. the weather’s acting funny too, rain-shine, rain-shine, rain-shine when i wish it was overcast. beside me is a (really ) cheap radio i bought. ive decided to christen her "Radio". Radio, she tries to keep me company, shes great, i can make her shut up anytime then let her speak when im in the mood. whoa imagine if that was a relationship, no drama, less complications–though i wouldnt really know i’ve never been in a serious one.

so i seat here in front of my monitor thinking what should i do next, anticipating inspiration, surprisingly, happy to be alive. its sunny now. "a poem as lovely as a tree" true, coupled with an acoustic version of "1979" courtesy of Radio orchestrates an appropriate sigh time.

sigh*

i go home in a couple of hours to do this all over again, indefinitely. no fuss. oh by the way a friend of mine promised to give me a copy of enduring love by ian mcewan–actually its more of a book exchange but im happy none the less. its funny that i find the airconditioner’s hum coma inducing. its only when i started working that i got exposed to this static background noise for long periods of time. and i can imagine how it can make someone crazy. its a long zzzzzzzzzzmmmmmmmzzzzzzzzmmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzmzzzzzzzzzzzzzzmmmmmmmmmmm
that stays in the background it digs to your ears–till Radio tries to drown it out. Radio, ur a lifesaver.

my requested song on the radio (not Radio) got played a few hours ago as well. the DJs were pretty swell. a song from my college days. at that time i brought this protable radio everyday to school, mp3s werent popular then. and i remember how it always made my day, especially the time time when i was at the library doing paperwork. it has a line that goes, "are you listening to the radio?" or more rhetorical rather. i love it.

ok back to work.

Ayos yung long weekend na’to.
kahit wala akong pera(d ko na-cash yung cheke ko). Kahit nagpasabahay lang ako for 3 days. kahit mag-iisang buwan na kaming naputulan ng cable. na-inspire parin ako’t ginanahan magpatuloy sa kung ano man. natuwa ako’t napakaganda parin ng 30 ROCK sa pagsisimula ng second season nito. at medyo nainggit pa ako kay KC sa mga karanasan niya sa paris. halo halo yung emosyon ko eh. pero nangingibabaw ang optimism, detox kung baga. natuwa rin ako na parehas kami (medyo lang) ni betty suarez ng layuning panindigan ang buhay tinta’t papel. medyo na-iintriga narin akong magbasa ng mga libro ni Ian McEwan dala ng kaklase kong si Zia, ang movie adaptation ng Atonement, at sa impluwensiya ni Jessica Zafra (parang gusto ko subukan yung Amsterdam pati Enduring Love). basta ayos yung weekend na’to. kahit nagbabasa ako ng Nausea ayos parin. Nausea? ha! ako yung bida dun eh hehehe. basta ayos yung weekend na’to.

The Sony VAIO TZ has been on my mind since I saw it last week. 11.1 inch screen, weighs next to nothing–aahh such a beautiful thing.

when the jeepney hit the curb, i looked out the window. the rain drizzled softly, wafting cold against my glasses. as the wheels turned and the engine hummed i saw the framed imagery panned perfectly. the rain had awakened the foliage and buildings around. the leaves unburdened themselves of their heavy dew. the grass an insatiable sponge, nourished itself still.

"Hello." I said.